Past Vs Present

So here's the skinny.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (whether by choice or just forced to live in my head due to work) and most of it's being directed toward my relationship. Here's some background noise to put this all in context. I'm a sex addict. What exactly does this mean? Well, pretty much how it sounds. I don't prostitute myself, or manipulate people and have multiple boyfriends or anything but I constantly want..sex.
Here's where it gets tricky..
My boyfriend is not like this, but rather doesn't seem to have a strong libido at all. Here's the kicker--my sex drive has vanished lately. This is extremely worrisome--simply because it is so out of the ordinary. I've ruled out pregnancy (negative, negative, negative!!!) which pretty much leaves two things. One is smoking marijuana, the other work. These are pretty much my main activities--no I'm not a stupid pothead who can't function and is constantly stuffing my face. I have chronic arthritis and ankle pain, and pills upset my stomach. I can't even take over the counter Advil without projectile vomiting whatever is inside my stomach at the time.
But back to the point---I rarely want to be touch or do the touching lately. Problem is it's still spotty-some nights I'm in the mood. My boyfriend isn't. It's like we're off schedules and can't seem to link up again. I'm all for masturbation but I start to get pissed if it's interfering in whether or not I get laid. If that's even happening...
I was debating recently whether or not I missed the days when my man and I first were together. I'm going to go ahead and say no to that one, simply due to the fact that I was a crazy bitch. It was my Sophmore year, the last year of my pretty much 3-year coke binge (through in some study nights, classes and tests in there) plus a year straight drinking everyday. But the drinking continued, due to my new romance. He was a boozer since his ex-girlfriend dumped him after he cheated on her. Boo-hoo, right? I don't think so. You cheat, your ass gets dumped. I made sure I said that to him as well before I got involved. Well, long story short the ex tried to reconnect with him after she figured out we were together. Since I was insane at the time, I would go through his phone. Nothing good ever comes from snooping. I used to be so paranoid that he was running around on me. Now, it's like I know I'm not and I'm almost bored with it! But I would hate to be as anxious as I used to be in this relationship.
I have no idea. I do know I have to be back at work in about 6 hours, my boyfriend is asleep in the other room, and I want to get laid. These are the hard times, the tempting times to call up someone from my past just for the night....

Working Hard or Hardly Working

Employment is unfortunately such a necessity these days. I'm a huge fan of Eminem, and his new album (Still Crazy, No Recovery) recently leaked and a couple of his tracks are just straight up moving. I'm no thug, I'm a 22 year old white girl who grew up in the suburbs of Boston, as well as Cape Cod. Being on my own for the last four years in Rhode Island has been quite a culture shock. But back to the point--one of these songs is about Em's relationship with hip-hop, but you don't find that out until the end. Up until that point it sounded like a romantic relationship. Which a person. Which brings me to my next question--what exactly is the relationship we keep with work? To me, at least at times, it appears as quite an abusive relationship. I remember a teacher saying "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Really? Never, ever do you have a bad day? I realize I'm reading a little too much into this but there may be something. My psychology classes taught us that work (career and employment in general) play a large role in our self-esteem, and how we view our accomplishments and place in society. But, being the skeptic I always seem to turn out as, what about the reverse? Aren't these the very things that at times decide what exactly we choose to do for a living? Or how we grew up? I'm sure you can see the pattern between the last two posts and the overall status of my thinking--I'm stuck in the middle of two poles all the time now, unable to pick a side and fight for it. Rather, I try to argue for both until I muddle the details enough to think there is no clear answer. Which in many cases there may not, but it deems more thought and investigation.
But back to some analysis. I work for a fast growing quick-service company. Part of their slogan preaches integrity. When hired in, us hirees are told that promotions from within were commonfold and if one worked their ass off, most likely they will end up in a position higher than they began. Well, low and behold, for some reason this same company has been hiring in outsiders, with a background in hospitality (NOT FOOD SERVICE) as future general managers! If they put half the effort into their current employees than they did hiring and scouting these incompetent people, this place would be golden! Integrity needs to have an umbrella meaning if a company is going to place such heavy emphasis on it. Absurdity. I return to work day after day, because I need it to survive, but all it does is knock me down and drag my hope away. I work harder and harder each day to no avail, and watch others waltz around and bask in their own selfish, pride-filled glory. Competition is one thing, cut-throat is another, and kissing ass is yet another. I can compete with the best, but I'm not lowering myself or compromising my own integrity to get where I want to be at the expense of others. Perhaps that's why I entered the Human Services field rather than the food/beverage industry....

Yesterday is over, today is another day

I'm a firm believer that in this world, to understand oneself, one must understand others. The problem with this is that the reverse is also true--to understand others, we must understand ourselves. For without the confidence in the accuracy of a point of view or opinion, an individual can have no actual frame of reference for anything that could withstand the smallest confrontation. Here begins the story of myself. Who am I? A young adult who has just graduated from college. My major was Psychology, which is fitting since I've always lived a majority of my life in my own head. This major was more of a winding journey to understand the intricacies of myself and what's happened in my life. Past, present and future are all so intertwined that here with this blog I will reiterate my journey. Many good times, many terrible times, sorrows and joys, love and hate--it'll all be there. Drugs, sex, money, pleasure--you name it, it's shaped who I am and who I will be. Someday I hope to find out why I do some of the ridiculous things I do, and how I can help others avoid this--as well as simultaneously meeting my own needs. Sound easy? We'll see....