Sustenance

So first and foremost: I'm definitely going to try to post more often on this thing. It's a journal of sorts for me, and I always feel a lot better after doing so. Where am I now in my life since the last post? Or in general for that matter (that seems to be the question on my mind lately). Ever feel like you're just coasting, that things are going okay--not great--but okay. Well, that's how I feel. About everything. Literally everything. My relationship is okay, though I'm finding myself in another situation where I feel like I do everything and am taking care of the other person. But this time it's different--this time I'm truly in love and want to do these things. But what I'm wondering is should I be noticing the amount I'm doing? And should it irritate me at times like it does? I guess I'm only human, I can only do so much and take so much without having any adverse thoughts about it.
I was talking to a friend recently about things I was potentially unhappy with in my relationship. And it's nothing specific that's happening, per say, but rather I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells. That one little slip-up, that if I say something that provokes and any anger to my girlfriend I'll be kicked to the curb. I don't doubt she loves me, I think I just doubt myself and my ability to be all the things she wants. She cannot work due to a physically disability, but is young enough that disability won't allow her to collect money. As of now all she lives off of is child support. Don't get me wrong, I'd spend every penny I have on this woman because I love her and care about her and her daughter's well being. It's just stressful since I don't have a job that pays well. I love my job, it's just not at the point where I'm anywhere near being financially stable. Not to mention I'm trying to move out of the apartment I'm in right now, pay off credit cards, loan payments, fix my car...it's overwhelming me. And I always feel like my problems don't ever compare to hers-hers are always bigger and more of a problem. It does put things into perspective at times but I mean I still have issues and they affect me regardless of how they pale in comparison with hers. I empathize with her and help where I can and I mean she tries with me but I always feel like it's not important enough. Perhaps this is a problem with me myself that I need to work out. The doubting myself is the main thing--I've always had amazing drive and potential and I feel as though I've hit a plateau again. Another problem I've had and have been having is feeling like nothing is ever good enough. I've finally exited the infatuation phase of my relationship which is how I can tell I really love this woman. There are things I don't like about her, faults, etc. but those things don't matter. What matters is her. Even if she dumped me right now, I would want her to be happy. I would be devastated, but I would get over it and just wish for her well-being. Ugh, I just got out of work and I'm in a strange, pensive mood. I'm going to leave for now, but maybe there will be another post for later or soon..

Straight, invariable, inflexible, right, undeviating, unswerving..

So in my eyes I dropped a bit of a bombshell at the end of that last post. I met an amazing woman at the end of Nick and I's relationship with whom I can see myself with forever. I've been struggling with the concept of who I actually am since this all came about, however. Am I a lesbian? Or am I bisexual. This is the question I ask myself most these days. Physically, I have little if any attraction to men. Women I CANNOT get enough of. I notice everything about them, my mind starts going on overdrive thinking about all possible scenarios involving them, etc. Guys? Eh--not much to look at, pretty disgusting most of the time in regards to a well-kept appearance and their personalities usually suck. At first I wasn't sure if I'd be able to be in a relationship with a female because I do like hooking up with guys. But I've learned that anything you can do with a guy, you can also do with a girl (sorry if that's tmi). And guys are pigs (here comes the male-bashing rant..not) But anyway, I've met this amazing woman I've been dating for almost 5 months now. I've never been happier and I think the only way I could become happier was if I married her, or had a family with her. I came out to my cousin first, who is gay, basically through asking him for advice on how to tell my sister and my dad. I then emailed both of them and told them I met this girl that I've now since fallen in love with. My sister was happy for me, as was my dad so I had gotten myself all worked up over nothing. I'm also out to most of my coworkers, and my boss It's extremely different talking about your significant other when she's the same sex as you--always wondering if who you're talking to will understand or judge you and make derogatory comments. Luckily, my coworkers are like my second family so those who know don't have a problem as far as I can tell. I guess I'm just lucky.