Thrills and...chills

Here we are again. Another day, another dollar. I've just had an epiphany of sorts, and am a little upset at what it revealed. I've come to the conclusion that I need to go back into some sort of therapy or counseling. There is too much going on inside my head that I cannot sort through or decipher without the help of an unbiased person. I can't talk about certain things with my friends--oh wait, that brings me to another problem. Friends. What friends? At this point in time, I have no real friends I can count on, or have any substance to them. I thought I had one, that is until yesterday when she professed her love for me. Now I'm back at square one, having lost the one person I thought I could always count on. I don't feel comfortable being at the same level of friendship with her I once was because I feel like if I let on any signs of being unhappy in my relationship or having any kind of trouble, she will start to get the idea that maybe she can sidle into my life and "rescue" me in a way. But anyway-back to the therapy idea. I can't talk to my girlfriend about certain things because, well, I have problems with my relationship. I have some serious jealousy and trust issues that I have no idea where they began and how to make them end. And the saddest part is is that I'm a thousand times better about it in this relationship than I was with my ex-boyfriend, but they still get the better of me at times. I need to be able to bare my soul to someone about absolutely everything, but especially my past. My mom dying has left a huge hole in my heart and emotional well-being and I think I'm finally in a place where I might be able to work on it. Or at least allow myself to talk about things, maybe actually cry and show some emotion. So tomorrow's goal is to call some therapists, figure out if my insurance covers it and if it doesn't "shop" around for one. It certainly can't hurt...

Sustenance

So first and foremost: I'm definitely going to try to post more often on this thing. It's a journal of sorts for me, and I always feel a lot better after doing so. Where am I now in my life since the last post? Or in general for that matter (that seems to be the question on my mind lately). Ever feel like you're just coasting, that things are going okay--not great--but okay. Well, that's how I feel. About everything. Literally everything. My relationship is okay, though I'm finding myself in another situation where I feel like I do everything and am taking care of the other person. But this time it's different--this time I'm truly in love and want to do these things. But what I'm wondering is should I be noticing the amount I'm doing? And should it irritate me at times like it does? I guess I'm only human, I can only do so much and take so much without having any adverse thoughts about it.
I was talking to a friend recently about things I was potentially unhappy with in my relationship. And it's nothing specific that's happening, per say, but rather I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells. That one little slip-up, that if I say something that provokes and any anger to my girlfriend I'll be kicked to the curb. I don't doubt she loves me, I think I just doubt myself and my ability to be all the things she wants. She cannot work due to a physically disability, but is young enough that disability won't allow her to collect money. As of now all she lives off of is child support. Don't get me wrong, I'd spend every penny I have on this woman because I love her and care about her and her daughter's well being. It's just stressful since I don't have a job that pays well. I love my job, it's just not at the point where I'm anywhere near being financially stable. Not to mention I'm trying to move out of the apartment I'm in right now, pay off credit cards, loan payments, fix my car...it's overwhelming me. And I always feel like my problems don't ever compare to hers-hers are always bigger and more of a problem. It does put things into perspective at times but I mean I still have issues and they affect me regardless of how they pale in comparison with hers. I empathize with her and help where I can and I mean she tries with me but I always feel like it's not important enough. Perhaps this is a problem with me myself that I need to work out. The doubting myself is the main thing--I've always had amazing drive and potential and I feel as though I've hit a plateau again. Another problem I've had and have been having is feeling like nothing is ever good enough. I've finally exited the infatuation phase of my relationship which is how I can tell I really love this woman. There are things I don't like about her, faults, etc. but those things don't matter. What matters is her. Even if she dumped me right now, I would want her to be happy. I would be devastated, but I would get over it and just wish for her well-being. Ugh, I just got out of work and I'm in a strange, pensive mood. I'm going to leave for now, but maybe there will be another post for later or soon..

Straight, invariable, inflexible, right, undeviating, unswerving..

So in my eyes I dropped a bit of a bombshell at the end of that last post. I met an amazing woman at the end of Nick and I's relationship with whom I can see myself with forever. I've been struggling with the concept of who I actually am since this all came about, however. Am I a lesbian? Or am I bisexual. This is the question I ask myself most these days. Physically, I have little if any attraction to men. Women I CANNOT get enough of. I notice everything about them, my mind starts going on overdrive thinking about all possible scenarios involving them, etc. Guys? Eh--not much to look at, pretty disgusting most of the time in regards to a well-kept appearance and their personalities usually suck. At first I wasn't sure if I'd be able to be in a relationship with a female because I do like hooking up with guys. But I've learned that anything you can do with a guy, you can also do with a girl (sorry if that's tmi). And guys are pigs (here comes the male-bashing rant..not) But anyway, I've met this amazing woman I've been dating for almost 5 months now. I've never been happier and I think the only way I could become happier was if I married her, or had a family with her. I came out to my cousin first, who is gay, basically through asking him for advice on how to tell my sister and my dad. I then emailed both of them and told them I met this girl that I've now since fallen in love with. My sister was happy for me, as was my dad so I had gotten myself all worked up over nothing. I'm also out to most of my coworkers, and my boss It's extremely different talking about your significant other when she's the same sex as you--always wondering if who you're talking to will understand or judge you and make derogatory comments. Luckily, my coworkers are like my second family so those who know don't have a problem as far as I can tell. I guess I'm just lucky.

Changes

Well, here I am. My life has completely changed and headed into a new direction. The last time I was on here I was complaining about Nick, my now ex-boyfriend, and how I had lost my sex-drive. So let's begin with the change in that last bombshell. Ex-boyfriend you say? What happened after three years? Well what didn't happen. I finally owned up to myself, came to the realization that I was traveling down the wrong road, a road that would have never brought me to any semblance of happiness. Don't get me wrong, in reality Nick himself never proved to be a bad guy. He wasn't a good boyfriend, but that's different. I never felt him and I were on the same level intellectually. When I met him he was a drinker, a person I thought I could change, maybe help in some way. At first the opposite happened--I found myself in a depression and being around someone who was constantly looking for a drinking buddy sent me into a downward spiral. I pulled myself out by starting to smarten up, stop drinking all the time, and started concentrating on my schooling. My ex-boyfriend always had unemployment problems. If he did have a job it was seasonal, and he would only buy crap cars which would end up dying on him. Flash forward to the end of our relationship--he was carless, about the stop his job for the season again, and I was in no way, shape or form attracted to him anymore. I always was shocked when people would speak of just simply waking up one day and not feeling the same way. Well, that same shock held true when I realized that's what was happening to me.
I had convinced myself I was in love with him. And I did care for him a lot, we just never should have dated. He never actually officially asked me out, but we were boyfriend and girlfriend. Just never outright. I remember stopping one day and asking myself what I saw in my future. What I saw there wasn't him, at all. There's more to it though. Let's just say I've always been attracted to women, and I had an epiphany of sorts...but that's to be continued in the next posting..

Past Vs Present

So here's the skinny.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (whether by choice or just forced to live in my head due to work) and most of it's being directed toward my relationship. Here's some background noise to put this all in context. I'm a sex addict. What exactly does this mean? Well, pretty much how it sounds. I don't prostitute myself, or manipulate people and have multiple boyfriends or anything but I constantly want..sex.
Here's where it gets tricky..
My boyfriend is not like this, but rather doesn't seem to have a strong libido at all. Here's the kicker--my sex drive has vanished lately. This is extremely worrisome--simply because it is so out of the ordinary. I've ruled out pregnancy (negative, negative, negative!!!) which pretty much leaves two things. One is smoking marijuana, the other work. These are pretty much my main activities--no I'm not a stupid pothead who can't function and is constantly stuffing my face. I have chronic arthritis and ankle pain, and pills upset my stomach. I can't even take over the counter Advil without projectile vomiting whatever is inside my stomach at the time.
But back to the point---I rarely want to be touch or do the touching lately. Problem is it's still spotty-some nights I'm in the mood. My boyfriend isn't. It's like we're off schedules and can't seem to link up again. I'm all for masturbation but I start to get pissed if it's interfering in whether or not I get laid. If that's even happening...
I was debating recently whether or not I missed the days when my man and I first were together. I'm going to go ahead and say no to that one, simply due to the fact that I was a crazy bitch. It was my Sophmore year, the last year of my pretty much 3-year coke binge (through in some study nights, classes and tests in there) plus a year straight drinking everyday. But the drinking continued, due to my new romance. He was a boozer since his ex-girlfriend dumped him after he cheated on her. Boo-hoo, right? I don't think so. You cheat, your ass gets dumped. I made sure I said that to him as well before I got involved. Well, long story short the ex tried to reconnect with him after she figured out we were together. Since I was insane at the time, I would go through his phone. Nothing good ever comes from snooping. I used to be so paranoid that he was running around on me. Now, it's like I know I'm not and I'm almost bored with it! But I would hate to be as anxious as I used to be in this relationship.
I have no idea. I do know I have to be back at work in about 6 hours, my boyfriend is asleep in the other room, and I want to get laid. These are the hard times, the tempting times to call up someone from my past just for the night....

Working Hard or Hardly Working

Employment is unfortunately such a necessity these days. I'm a huge fan of Eminem, and his new album (Still Crazy, No Recovery) recently leaked and a couple of his tracks are just straight up moving. I'm no thug, I'm a 22 year old white girl who grew up in the suburbs of Boston, as well as Cape Cod. Being on my own for the last four years in Rhode Island has been quite a culture shock. But back to the point--one of these songs is about Em's relationship with hip-hop, but you don't find that out until the end. Up until that point it sounded like a romantic relationship. Which a person. Which brings me to my next question--what exactly is the relationship we keep with work? To me, at least at times, it appears as quite an abusive relationship. I remember a teacher saying "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Really? Never, ever do you have a bad day? I realize I'm reading a little too much into this but there may be something. My psychology classes taught us that work (career and employment in general) play a large role in our self-esteem, and how we view our accomplishments and place in society. But, being the skeptic I always seem to turn out as, what about the reverse? Aren't these the very things that at times decide what exactly we choose to do for a living? Or how we grew up? I'm sure you can see the pattern between the last two posts and the overall status of my thinking--I'm stuck in the middle of two poles all the time now, unable to pick a side and fight for it. Rather, I try to argue for both until I muddle the details enough to think there is no clear answer. Which in many cases there may not, but it deems more thought and investigation.
But back to some analysis. I work for a fast growing quick-service company. Part of their slogan preaches integrity. When hired in, us hirees are told that promotions from within were commonfold and if one worked their ass off, most likely they will end up in a position higher than they began. Well, low and behold, for some reason this same company has been hiring in outsiders, with a background in hospitality (NOT FOOD SERVICE) as future general managers! If they put half the effort into their current employees than they did hiring and scouting these incompetent people, this place would be golden! Integrity needs to have an umbrella meaning if a company is going to place such heavy emphasis on it. Absurdity. I return to work day after day, because I need it to survive, but all it does is knock me down and drag my hope away. I work harder and harder each day to no avail, and watch others waltz around and bask in their own selfish, pride-filled glory. Competition is one thing, cut-throat is another, and kissing ass is yet another. I can compete with the best, but I'm not lowering myself or compromising my own integrity to get where I want to be at the expense of others. Perhaps that's why I entered the Human Services field rather than the food/beverage industry....

Yesterday is over, today is another day

I'm a firm believer that in this world, to understand oneself, one must understand others. The problem with this is that the reverse is also true--to understand others, we must understand ourselves. For without the confidence in the accuracy of a point of view or opinion, an individual can have no actual frame of reference for anything that could withstand the smallest confrontation. Here begins the story of myself. Who am I? A young adult who has just graduated from college. My major was Psychology, which is fitting since I've always lived a majority of my life in my own head. This major was more of a winding journey to understand the intricacies of myself and what's happened in my life. Past, present and future are all so intertwined that here with this blog I will reiterate my journey. Many good times, many terrible times, sorrows and joys, love and hate--it'll all be there. Drugs, sex, money, pleasure--you name it, it's shaped who I am and who I will be. Someday I hope to find out why I do some of the ridiculous things I do, and how I can help others avoid this--as well as simultaneously meeting my own needs. Sound easy? We'll see....